gummibearface

gummibearface @ 2009-12-21T14:32:00

2009-12-21T20:32:24Z

It feels almost like we're living together now. WE wake up go to work and then he usually comes over to my house afterwards. Then repeat.

He never really gets upset by anything. I've never seen him get angry or irritated. It's really weird but i guess in a good way. It's calming at least. I'm trying my best to not get jealous. I'd say i'm doing a somewhat decent job. I'm trying to put forth some trust. His birthday is tomorrow. We're going to crystal's for his party. Now that doesn't bother me at all. I really like Crystal. She's actually one of the people in high school that i envied. She's just so outgoing and happy and nice and beautiful. I guess that's the reason i get somewhat jealous. I feel like she's so much better of a person than I am.

But anyways, I think christmas will be decent this year. I somehow managed to get off the 23, 24, and 25th. :) So i'm pretty happy with that.

gummibearface @ 2009-12-17T01:12:00

2009-12-17T07:12:27Z

I'm making such a huge deal about this relationship. I guess it's just something for me to hold on to and hope will end in the best possible outcome. I feel like I am just trying to turn this relationship into one as serious as the last. And i'm not sure if the feelings are genuine or because I just want to feel that way again. If that makes any sense at all.

Ah...can't stop thinking!

He does make me happy though. It's surprising really that I knew him for so long and never really dreamt of the possibility of this happening. He was just always one of those out of reach unattainable people. Someone you never try to get with because you think it's impossible. I don't know why I feel like that. Maybe i'm just intimidated in some way by him and that's causing my lack of inquiring ability. That's an odd feeling for me I guess.
I feel like such a creep.

ok! end of talking for today.

gummibearface @ 2009-12-17T01:00:00

2009-12-17T07:00:51Z

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

I keep trying to tell myself this.

please please please let me get what i want

gummibearface @ 2009-12-17T00:22:00

2009-12-17T06:22:29Z

I'm so freaked out. I'm just breaking that whole not getting attached to people thing i've tried to put up. I feel as though i care too much. I guess this is just what I do? Meh idk i'm feeling in a bloggy mood right now. I feel like i keep going back and forth between just being happy to be happy at the moment and just trying to not care. There are just so many things I don't know and i'm too afraid to ask.

I feel like i'm intruding. i dont' think i've ever felt like that before in a relationship. I just went balls out and asked everything I could think to ask. What's going on with me? haha.

He spent the night at my house last night. I was eerily ok with it. The whole sleeping with someone else aspect....just usually makes it so i can't sleep. It might have been because i was so tired. I don't know. I guess we'll see if it's a fluke or not.

I really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow so I can go to the park. I really want to have a picnic. I think that would be awesome :) I feel like i need a huge change. I really wish i had another option for a job that i knew would be better than blockbuster. Ugh hate that place. ::vent vent vent::

Rachel got on a book reading phase so i'm getting her leftovers. It's just making me want someone to be all romantic to me like in those books. I feel like such a girl. But then again i'm sure i'd find a worm in the mail to be romantic :p (obscure reference)

My mind is just bouncing from place to place. I can't decide on one topic. ANd i just want to spill my guts out on here just to get all these thoughts out of my brain.

gummibearface @ 2009-12-11T14:39:00

2009-12-11T20:39:33Z

Today just sucks all around. I had to do inventory this morning until about 3. And i had the worst cramps while i was doing it. I could barely stand without wanting to shoot myself in the face. And then we had to scan all the boxes of prp we had in the store. Like....20 or so. IT was insane.

And a couple weeks ago i decided i needed to fill my prescriptions because the year is about to start over and so will my deductible. So i filled them twice. And they're supposed to pay be back for them once i hit my deductible. So i'm logging on to check it out but guess what? my insurance is canceled and has been since nov. 1st. This is news to me. So i just dropped like 200 on prescriptions and am not getting a cent of it back because my dad decided not to let me know he couldn't pay it. I could've paid it fine....but no. He never mentioned it to me. So now i just have no fucking insurance at all because my dad just wouldn't come out and say he couldn't pay it. Sigh.

Today is just not a good day for me. :( at all

gummibearface @ 2009-12-09T00:55:00

2009-12-09T06:55:32Z

Ah so you know how you always told me i needed therapy because i couldn't make up my mind one way or another?

WEll you're the same way. You think someone is a horrible person one second and the next you're sleeping with them. well at least you found someone. Told you you could. I guess all that being emo really did pay off, huh?

but i digress.

Can't get wow to install, it's pissing me off pretty badly considering I just upgraded to windows 7 and it's already giving me hella problems.

HAd a good day with gilbert though. WE played more zelda, it's nearing its end. Who knew zelda could be so fun 2 player? Still not sure what i should do about the situation. Don't think i should just jump into it headfirst without any reservations. But i do feel more comfortable now. We've started talking more openly to one another. I just hate not knowing everything about someone and not having the guts to ask everything.

He goes to these anime/video game conventions. And he invited me to go to the next one. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I've always wanted to go to one. I can wear my mario hat :)

gummibearface @ 2009-12-07T23:59:00

2009-12-08T05:59:41Z

So yesterday i hung out with paul. I've missed that kid. He's always so happy. WE just watched the mist and talked about zombies. It was pretty awesome. Ah...that whole gang always made me feel so at home and happy. I never see Jacob anymore. I need to just call him up one day and make him hang out with me. He was always a good person to talk to.

gummibearface @ 2009-12-05T00:19:00

2009-12-05T06:19:26Z

AS soon as i somewhat start trusting someone, something happens to make me not want to. I take one step forward and two steps back.

I wish things were easier. Like they used to be. When I just had fun all the time? I keep missing certain times in my life and the people that were there. The people i still consider to be good friends who i just haven't seen.

I'm going to try to make college fun this time. I keep telling myself i should just move away and make myself miss Mobile. I don't have the guts to do that though. I wish i could just fall into a pretty nice sum of money. :) now that would be awesome.

I could travel and go to school. Or maybe school first then travel. IT's no use thinking about something that's not going to happen though.

All i can do is compare things now. I'm just so not used to having this new relationship. I am at a loss with how to act. It's not so bad figuring it out though i guess. I'm just so on the fence about everything. I'm just insane.

gummibearface @ 2009-12-02T16:23:00

2009-12-02T22:23:50Z

I have to do inventory tonight. Not happy about that but it means i pretty much had today off so i went and got my chinese food i've been craving for a while.

I don't know why i can't just be happy and enjoy things while they're good, i'm always just worried about the future. And the past... Not a great way to be. I'm just worried a lot. I guess that happens to everyone every now and again though. I'm just still worried that i'm going to end up hurting more people because i just can't make up my mind. I wish i could go back to school. I miss it. I'm saving up slowly but surely.

My dad still owes me money though and his business is pretty much failing so it doesn't look good. That's 700 dollars which is a pretty large chunk of money that could go toward that semester of school. I just need to get my savings back up to 2000 dollars. But i can't really start making a big contribution to it until after christmas. I need to pay off my computer too. Sigh. And working at blockbuster is just a pain in the ass all the time. I just hate that place. I wish i could just quit once i've saved up enough money and just focus on school. I could probably do that if i could get enough scholarships and grants and stuff. It's not like i'm not in need. I just am trying to stay away from loans as much as possible. I don't want to be in severe debt by the time i'm 25.

This is the only real goal i have. And it doesn't look like i'm going to be able to make it happen for about another year or so. :( That makes me sad. But at least it's something, right?

gummibearface @ 2009-11-24T00:06:00

2009-11-24T06:06:40Z

so things have been going by decently. I've been working more at blockbuster or so it feels like, probably due to the fact that i didn't work for pretty much a week at one point. That was nice. :)

But the paycheck was not. But at least now i'll get some pto on this upcoming check. That place just drains more and more of the life out of me, i'm sick of being stressed out worrying about whether i'm going to be written up for doing my fucking job or not. Whatever though, i guess it pays the bills. I really wish i could buckle down and save up some money for college. Ack...my savings need to quit dwindling.

Things are good with gilbert. It's nice just hanging out and playing video games and watching movies. :) Idk though, i'm still worrying about whether i can really be happy or not. I sometimes feel like things are going downhill again because i just want to be by myself half the time. I don't think it's his fault, he's really nice and fun to be around I just like my KD time.

And he's pretty hard to read sometimes. I'm trying not to put too much trust in anyone new atm. I find things work out better for me that way. I don't get my hopes up just so they can come crashing down.

I've been playing more video games lately...i guess that's a good thing. I realy want to play some assassin's creed 2. Matt is supposed to let me borrow it once he finishes it. That will be awesome.

I'm going to go to black friday with rachel this year to see if maybe we can get all our christmas shopping done. I'm kinda looking forward to it but damn it's going to be insane i'm sure. Sigh....and i have to close the night before (which happens to be thanksgiving). So my thanksgiving will be held on a wednesday this year.

That's all i can think of to update. I keep telling myself i need to write more often but i'm not sure if i should or not....

gummibearface @ 2009-11-13T00:39:00

2009-11-13T06:39:17Z

Today was ok. just went to the mall with nathan and bought a snuggie. I should have gone into work today :( Jonathan worked a double but i'm still sick and i don't want to work all night and then it get me sicker and me have to miss more work. I'm going to give jonathan a free pass to give me any shift he wants pretty much as a repayment for that. :( I feel like an asshole.

God work pisses me off so much. I think sometimes we'd be better off without a store manager at all because it seems we get more done when it's just us. We work as a team and shit gets done. IT seems now we're just running around the problem and no one actually fixes anything. And i think it's mostly brian's fault. Before he showed up everything was running quite smoothly. Sigh....i guess i can't blame him though. I get the feeling he doesn't like me very much anyways. But whatever, i do my job, i know i do. And i get shit done. He has no reason not to like me. At least on my shift i get stuff done instead of staying up at blockbuster all the time and never seeming to make any progress on anything.

All these days off have been wonderful.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to go fill both my prescriptions which i should have done a long time ago. And i'm going to put down some money on the new mario game that's coming out :)

If something seems too good to be true, most likely it is.

2009-11-12T06:35:23Z

So i don't know why i kinda freaked out I guess i just felt scared. Like you were finally realizing what i thought you would all along, that i wasn't as awesome as you thought i was. Which is pretty much the case. Maybe this will be good for both of us though. A release of stress maybe. You can find someone who is who you thought i was. Someone who is better.

And maybe i can find someone that i won't get bored with or i can figure out why it is i seem to get bored in every relationship i'm in. Things are always good in the beginning. It's just so hard developing the same kind of bond with someone else. It's so hard trying to forget everything i know about you and learn about someone else's entire life. I feel like such an idiot asking someone else half the questions i asked you. I guess that's part of a new "relationship" though.

I haven't had a new relationship in a long long time though. I still can't believe we spent 2 years just getting to know each other. That's got to be some type of record.

Bowser just tackled me with a pillow.

Tonight was good though. Gilbert came over and we watched more veronica mars. heh. And tried to figure out what is wrong with my WoW....because i can't seem to download the latest patch or anything for it. And then this killer headache set in and it won't seem to go away.

If something seems too good to be true, most likely it is. But you never know until you try.

I feel like i lost my best friend

a long time ago, we used to be friends.

2009-11-11T09:53:54Z

So i feel almost completely better, I think. It could just be this medicine talking. I'm feeling extremely sleepy at the moment, but that's probably due to the fact that it's almost 4 in the morning and I am still awake.

I finished the first season of veronica mars. God i love that show. I ordered season 2 and 3 online. I'd say i got them for a pretty good price. Both of them for about 30 bucks. Considering they still sell them for about 40 apiece in stores, I made a killing. I can't believe the price for them is still so high though. God....it's a show that's like 4 years old. I remember when i got the first season for Christmas. It was right after Adam dumped me. I just sat in my room and watched movies and veronica mars that christmas vacation. What a bust.

This christmas hopefully will let me make better memories of veronica mars. And i think i'm going to do the majority of my christmas shopping online from the comfort of my bed. :) I can search for deals without even standing up. And there are many things i can find on the internet that i can't find in stores.

I contemplate quitting blockbuster at least once a shift now. I guess brian isn't bad but it seems as if we went from one extreme to another. Michelle just liked to clock in for time she wasn't there and get everyone to do everything and then bitched at them when everything didn't get done. Now Brian is there all the time but still doesn't manage to get many things done at all. He says i don't know how to manage my shifts but at least on my shifts everything gets done unlike his in which he just runs around and does god know what all day. Nothing ever seems to really get accomplished on his shifts.

I'm sure Rachel's somewhat pissed. She's been working quite a bit lately. But at least she's getting paid more for it. She should try doing that whole 30 hour a week thing for min wage like i did for those months. I kinda feel sorry for her but then I'm sick. It's not like i wouldn't do the same thing for her. And anyways, last time i was sick she made me work like 5 straight days because i couldn't come in one day and she made me trade her a shift. So i'm sure she can deal with it.

Gilbert came and visited me at work today. It was nice. He works at a drive-thru only foosackly's so i can't very well visit him at work. This whole dating thing just feels so alien to me. It feels different than the other 3 relationships i've really had. And i'm not used to someone who doesn't really take the first step. Not that it's a bad thing I guess. It's good not to feel pressured into anything, that's the last thing i probably need right now.

I have 3 days off and no idea what to do with them. Sigh.

gummibearface @ 2009-11-09T11:26:00

2009-11-09T17:31:04Z

So i stumbled upon some videos I had made while i was still in high school the other day. I watched them all. It really made me laugh. :) I think i need to make more videos. Just to document my friends and my life at that point so that i can look back and see what kind of a person i was i guess. :) i think it'll be a good thing. I'll get some use out of that video camera. I might even come to enjoy it and figure out a future career field. Photography is the only type of art i've ever really been interested in. Photographers make pretty good money, right? And i think that'd be a pretty fun job. I'm just going to make sure i remember my life when i get older so i can look back and see who i was. :)

And i'm so fucking loopy from this cold medicine. I actually feel much much better now. :) I hope this sickness goes away soon. I've missed so much work. My check is going to be even worse than the one i got this week :( Which sucks because i'm still not even a shift lead. I really need to broach that topic with brian one of these days so i can see where he stands on that. I can't see any type of argument he'd have against promoting me to shift lead. It's only fair really. I'm the one that has gotten shafted this entire time at blockbuster. They owe me at least this.....

More than a feeling

2009-11-04T03:45:08Z

So i've been hanging out with Gilbert more and more lately. Though, I'm pretty scared about that. I still feel as if I'm cheating on Gerald even though I shouldn't feel that way. I just hate hurting people. I can't explain why I don't want to go out with Gerald. Things seem so perfect when i write them all down but I just don't feel happy in a relationship with him and he just won't accept that. He just always thinks I'm lying or something. And that pisses me off and then we fight and say things we don't mean and then we make up and the whole cycle repeats itself. But anyways, Gilbert is very nice. It's nice to have someone nice to hold my hand. I just like getting to know him. I just don't know if i'm ready for a real relationship right now. And i don't know how to tell him that. I guess I should just come out with it. I just get so nervous around him. I can't make a move or anything. It's like he's too nice and I feel like I'm going to corrupt him.

But at the halloween party at Crystal's house everything seemed so wonderful. We just sat by the fire and he gave me his jacket so i wouldn't be so cold and he played katamari with me. :) It was like a first date. Katamari and bonfire ftw. And then we've just been hanging out at parks and stuff. :) I just really love knowing about people and listening to other people's perspectives on things and learning about their lives. I like people in that aspect but then I hate how cruel most of the people at work are all the time. I just suppose i keep better company in friends.

I just get so curious about people. Usually i'm the one that asks the questions and listens to the other person's stories and experiences. But with Gilbert he actually seems genuinely interested.

But what do i want? I never know the answer to that question. I need a crystal ball or something to help me.

Gilbert plays with swords. >.< It's so nerdy but it's so fascinating watching him swordfight with someone. At crystal's party, he and jacob went at it and it was amazing. I wish I had that kind of skill, determination, and coordination. I would've killed myself.

I need to start blogging more. All i ever do is sit at home and watch tv or something. I need to get out of the house and get some fucking exercise. I'm just getting fatter and fatter sitting at home. I wish I could run, damn my boobs.

Well this is all in the latest update except for gilbert and i kissed yesterday. That's something I forgot to mention. It was very pleasant. Just a peck on the lips pretty much though. God he makes me so nervous and I just don't know why. :( I hate being nervous around people and I hate that people can make me nervous.

Well that is all....i'm pretty sure. but if it's not i'm ending this here anyways. It was nice talking to you :p

gummibearface @ 2009-10-25T13:43:00

2009-10-25T18:48:08Z

So i went to a halloween party last night. I didn't really plan on it but it was something fun to do. I actually drank and didn't feel like vomiting. But i did get drunk. It's the first time i've been drunk in like a year or so. It was nice to just feel happy like that. I was just happy and relaxed and talking to everybody. I'm usually so introverted at parties. It was fun. Then i decided to go to someone else's house and pretty much got stuck there because everybody else wanted to get drunk and I was getting sober. I hate getting myself into situations like that. I had to call my friend paul and get him to pick me up. Thank god he was awake. I don't know what I would have done. I am just so uncomfortable spending the night at someone else's house. I just can't do it. Then i had to go to a meeting at blockbuster at 9 am this morning. Thank god i have the night off though. I was supposed to work but then my manager called and said he'd take my shift because we were over in hours. Thank god. I would have had to work with chad and that is never fun. I cannot believe someone who is that stupid is even still alive.

I get into such good conversations when I'm drunk. I'd say it was a good experience though. I tried to be as safe as possible. I just feel so helpless when i'm drunk. I just pretty much go with the flow and do what everyone else is doing. I always like to have at least one person with me who i trust wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

I got to hang out with Alana a little. I think that was the most we've ever talked. She's a pretty cool girl. :)

gummibearface @ 2009-10-09T23:04:00

2009-10-10T04:09:34Z

I wish i could make a decision and stick with that decision for any extended period of time.

I wish i didn't have to work tomorrow, I just want to sit at home and mope and be sick and watch movies.

My tear ducts have gotten quite a workout lately.

gummibearface @ 2009-09-26T23:25:00

2009-09-27T04:30:05Z

I don't know what I want. I never know what I want so i guess it shouldn't be a big change for me. But goddamn it. I don't think that being with either Gerald or Steven would be a good choice at this point. I'd still love to be steven's friend. I'd love to just hang out with him every once in a while. I just miss him as a person. But i doubt he misses me, as usual. I'll never really know because he keeps everything on the inside. Always. He just won't open up to me. And he won't let himself be vulnerable. I seem to do that too much.

I just want a nice guy that just doesn't annoy me like crazy. is that so much to ask? lol.

I've got blue hair. I like it.

:)

I've been thinking about cutting it lately though. I just really miss short short hair.
I went and saw Whip It! the new Ellen Page movie. I love her so much. She's my favoritest. And the movie was awesome. I've been looking up stuff about roller derby too. Mobile has a league, i'm thinking about going and watching them and just seeing what it's all about. That would be pretty cool.
To be a part of a team. And get some exercise to boot. I need to find a way to get exercise because i'm not getting any smaller. I'm starting to despise my body. It's just so fat. Sigh. lol. I've had so many days off this week. It has been so freaking nice. :)

gummibearface @ 2009-09-09T22:00:00

2009-09-10T03:03:13Z

I'm sick of always feeling guilty for wanting to hang out with my friends.

Everytime i do i just feel like shit the entire time because i know we're going to fight afterwards.

I can't forget things sometimes.

I'm always the bad guy. I'm always feeling bad for something. I told myself I wasn't going to do it anymore but i still can't help but feel bad when i make someone else feel bad.

gummibearface @ 2009-08-31T17:04:00

2009-08-31T22:06:59Z

so this week has been just long....very very long.

I got Arkham Asylum...awesome game, btw. I love it. :)

I got pulled over because my dad's truck didn't have a light on the tag...gay.

I've still yet to hear back about my backpay or anything on that subject at all....getting kinda antsy about it.

Sigh......

gummibearface @ 2009-08-27T21:22:00

2009-08-28T02:28:21Z

So the DM and our new store manager came in today to check everything out. And lucky me I was working by myself today. The new store manager seems pretty cool. I told them i'd stay next week....i'm not sure how far past that i'll stay. Depending on how things go this week, aka whether they get me my retropay. :( I'm sick of this bullshit. And he says before i'm asm again he's going to have to interview me. So i don't know what the fuck to do. :( And he said he has to go "investigate" what i'm saying about how much they owe me. Because he says that if michelle never put it in the system then they have no proof of anything so i probably won't get it...yay so i'll get to pay the price for michelle's mistakes. I love having to deal with things that someone else has done..... Hopefully she did her job and put everything in the system. I'm going to be pissed if she didn't. Then i'll lose all sympathy for her getting fired. I'm sick of being held responsible for something that isn't my fault. If i knew this shit was going to happy I never would've said i'd be asm. And it just keeps coming back and biting me in the ass.

But whatever....

Rachel and I went to the mall too...again. Twice in the past two days....we're fucking dorks.

And borderline personality disorder.....go look it up and tell me if i have it.

Posted using TxtLJ

2009-08-20T05:45:21Z

I am going to explode

district 9

2009-08-14T19:32:22Z

So yesterday was the first day I really hung out with Gerald since the whole thing happened. It wasn't bad. It wasn't too awkward. I'm just so used to acting differently around him. It was cool getting out and hanging out with people though. There's so much less drama with guys. Except for that whole episode with Chris. He at one point said he hated me so I asked him about it to see if he'd tell me why. Then he said that he never said he hated me and that lillian was the one who didn't like me. God everybody hates me. But I'm pretty sure he's full of shit. I'm probably going to message her after this and ask her. I mean....if he doesn't like me I don't really care I just wanted to know why. He's an odd kid though.
But the movie was pretty good. It was kinda short but it felt like it was such a long movie. IT was free though so that's always good. :) I like free stuff. Then Gerald and I had one of our usual parking lot talks. So yesterday was full of free entertainment and Stupid ass work.
I made an appointment for the doctor next week....finally. And i got paid today. Thank god. I have so many bills now. I have to pay my phone bill and i'm not sure if i'll have to pay any of my doctor bills. God...I now hate bills. And I need to refill my medicine but I don't feel like it right now because I just had to go get blood taken. I hate getting blood taken. And now i feel like shit and there is no one to take my shift for me. I'm off tomorrow at least. I just want to quit. I'm so over that job. i'm at the point where I don't give a shit if I give them a two weeks notice anymore. That place just fucks me over all the time and I'm sick of it....

FUCK!

my heart hurts

2009-07-28T16:20:20Z

Tonight I will rent a lot of movies so I can have things to do. I'm sick of being stuck in my head. I just got in a fucking circle of the same thoughts over and over and over again. I wish I could shut my brain off.

I wish I didn't feel like such a shitty person all the time.
It's not your fault, I promise.

I often feel like there is something wrong with my brain or something. But i suppose everyone feels like that.

I'm off tomorrow, hooray. I need to get out of the house.

gummibearface @ 2009-07-27T17:02:00

2009-07-27T22:03:45Z

This is what I needed.
i keep telling myself that.

I'm coming to terms with it.
You made it so much easier.