so things have been going by decently. I've been working more at blockbuster or so it feels like, probably due to the fact that i didn't work for pretty much a week at one point. That was nice. :)

But the paycheck was not. But at least now i'll get some pto on this upcoming check. That place just drains more and more of the life out of me, i'm sick of being stressed out worrying about whether i'm going to be written up for doing my fucking job or not. Whatever though, i guess it pays the bills. I really wish i could buckle down and save up some money for college. Ack...my savings need to quit dwindling.


Things are good with gilbert. It's nice just hanging out and playing video games and watching movies. :) Idk though, i'm still worrying about whether i can really be happy or not. I sometimes feel like things are going downhill again because i just want to be by myself half the time. I don't think it's his fault, he's really nice and fun to be around I just like my KD time.

And he's pretty hard to read sometimes. I'm trying not to put too much trust in anyone new atm. I find things work out better for me that way. I don't get my hopes up just so they can come crashing down.

I've been playing more video games lately...i guess that's a good thing. I realy want to play some assassin's creed 2. Matt is supposed to let me borrow it once he finishes it. That will be awesome.

I'm going to go to black friday with rachel this year to see if maybe we can get all our christmas shopping done. I'm kinda looking forward to it but damn it's going to be insane i'm sure. Sigh....and i have to close the night before (which happens to be thanksgiving). So my thanksgiving will be held on a wednesday this year.

That's all i can think of to update. I keep telling myself i need to write more often but i'm not sure if i should or not....

Today was ok. just went to the mall with nathan and bought a snuggie. I should have gone into work today :( Jonathan worked a double but i'm still sick and i don't want to work all night and then it get me sicker and me have to miss more work. I'm going to give jonathan a free pass to give me any shift he wants pretty much as a repayment for that. :( I feel like an asshole.

God work pisses me off so much. I think sometimes we'd be better off without a store manager at all because it seems we get more done when it's just us. We work as a team and shit gets done. IT seems now we're just running around the problem and no one actually fixes anything. And i think it's mostly brian's fault. Before he showed up everything was running quite smoothly. Sigh....i guess i can't blame him though. I get the feeling he doesn't like me very much anyways. But whatever, i do my job, i know i do. And i get shit done. He has no reason not to like me. At least on my shift i get stuff done instead of staying up at blockbuster all the time and never seeming to make any progress on anything.

All these days off have been wonderful.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to go fill both my prescriptions which i should have done a long time ago. And i'm going to put down some money on the new mario game that's coming out :)

So i don't know why i kinda freaked out I guess i just felt scared. Like you were finally realizing what i thought you would all along, that i wasn't as awesome as you thought i was. Which is pretty much the case.  Maybe this will be good for both of us though.  A release of stress maybe.  You can find someone who is who you thought i was. Someone who is better.

And maybe i can find someone that i won't get bored with or i can figure out why it is i seem to get bored in every relationship i'm in.  Things are always good in the beginning.  It's just so hard developing the same kind of bond with someone else.  It's so hard trying to forget everything i know about you and learn about someone else's entire life.  I feel like such an idiot asking someone else half the questions i asked you.  I guess that's part of a new "relationship" though. 

I haven't had a new relationship in a long long time though.  I still can't believe we spent 2 years just getting to know each other.  That's got to be some type of record.

Bowser just tackled me with a pillow.

Tonight was good though. Gilbert came over and we watched more veronica mars. heh. And tried to figure out what is wrong with my WoW....because i can't seem to download the latest patch or anything for it.  And then this killer headache set in and it won't seem to go away. 

If something seems too good to be true, most likely it is. But you never know until you try.


I feel like i lost my best friend

So i feel almost completely better, I think. It could just be this medicine talking.  I'm feeling extremely sleepy at the moment, but that's probably due to the fact that it's almost 4 in the morning and I am still awake.

I finished the first season of veronica mars. God i love that show.  I ordered season 2 and 3 online.  I'd say i got them for a pretty good price. Both of them for about 30 bucks.  Considering they still sell them for about 40 apiece in stores, I made a killing.  I can't believe the price for them is still so high though. God....it's a show that's like 4 years old.  I remember when i got the first season for Christmas.  It was right after Adam dumped me. I just sat in my room and watched movies and veronica mars that christmas vacation.  What a bust.

This christmas hopefully will let me make better memories of veronica mars. And i think i'm going to do the majority of my christmas shopping online from the comfort of my bed.  :)  I can search for deals without even standing up. And there are many things i can find on the internet that i can't find in stores. 

I contemplate quitting blockbuster at least once a shift now.  I guess brian isn't bad but it seems as if we went from one extreme to another.  Michelle just liked to clock in for time she wasn't there and get everyone to do everything and then bitched at them when everything didn't get done.  Now Brian is there all the time but still doesn't manage to get many things done at all.  He says i don't know how to manage my shifts but at least on my shifts everything gets done unlike his in which he just runs around and does god know what all day.  Nothing ever seems to really get accomplished on his shifts.

I'm sure Rachel's somewhat pissed. She's been working quite a bit lately.  But at least she's getting paid more for it.  She should try doing that whole 30 hour a week thing for min wage like i did for those months.  I kinda feel sorry for her but then I'm sick. It's not like i wouldn't do the same thing for her.  And anyways, last time i was sick she made me work like 5 straight days because i couldn't come in one day and she made me trade her a shift. So i'm sure she can deal with it.  

Gilbert came and visited me at work today. It was nice. He works at a drive-thru only foosackly's so i can't very well visit him at work.  This whole dating thing just feels so alien to me. It feels different than the other 3 relationships i've really had. And i'm not used to someone who doesn't really take the first step.  Not that it's a bad thing I guess. It's good not to feel pressured into anything, that's the last thing i probably need right now.

I have 3 days off and no idea what to do with them.  Sigh.

So i stumbled upon some videos I had made while i was still in high school the other day.  I watched them all. It really made me laugh.  :) I think i need to make more videos.  Just to document my friends and my life at that point so that i can look back and see what kind of a person i was i guess. :) i think it'll be a good thing.  I'll get some use out of that video camera. I might even come to enjoy it and figure out a future career field.  Photography is the only type of art i've ever really been interested in.  Photographers make pretty good money, right?  And i think that'd be a pretty fun job. I'm just going to make sure i remember my life when i get older so i can look back and see who i was. :)


And i'm so fucking loopy from this cold medicine. I actually feel much much better now. :)  I hope this sickness goes away soon. I've missed so much work. My check is going to be even worse than the one i got this week :( Which sucks because i'm still not even a shift lead. I really need to broach that topic with brian one of these days so i can see where he stands on that. I can't see any type of argument he'd have against promoting me to shift lead.  It's only fair really. I'm the one that has gotten shafted this entire time at blockbuster. They owe me at least this.....

So i've been hanging out with Gilbert more and more lately.  Though, I'm pretty scared about that. I still feel as if I'm cheating on Gerald even though I shouldn't feel that way. I just hate hurting people.  I can't explain why I don't want to go out with Gerald. Things seem so perfect when i write them all down but I just don't feel happy in a relationship with him and he just won't accept that. He just always thinks I'm lying or something. And that pisses me off and then we fight and say things we don't mean and then we make up and the whole cycle repeats itself.  But anyways, Gilbert is very nice.  It's nice to have someone nice to hold my hand.  I just like getting to know him.  I just don't know if i'm ready for a real relationship right now.  And i don't know how to tell him that.  I guess I should just come out with it.  I just get so nervous around him.  I can't make a move or anything. It's like he's too nice and I feel like I'm going to corrupt him.

But at the halloween party at Crystal's house everything seemed so wonderful.  We just sat by the fire and he gave me his jacket so i wouldn't be so cold and he played katamari with me. :) It was like a first date. Katamari and bonfire ftw. And then we've just been hanging out at parks and stuff. :) I just really love knowing about people and listening to other people's perspectives on things and learning about their lives. I like people in that aspect but then I hate how cruel most of the people at work are all the time. I just suppose i keep better company in friends.

I just get so curious about people. Usually i'm the one that asks the questions and listens to the other person's stories and experiences. But with Gilbert he actually seems genuinely interested.

But what do i want? I never know the answer to that question. I need a crystal ball or something to help me.

Gilbert plays with swords. >.< It's so nerdy but it's so fascinating watching him swordfight with someone. At crystal's party, he and jacob went at it and it was amazing. I wish I had that kind of skill, determination, and coordination. I would've killed myself. 

I need to start blogging more. All i ever do is sit at home and watch tv or something. I need to get out of the house and get some fucking exercise. I'm just getting fatter and fatter sitting at home. I wish I could run, damn my boobs.

Well this is all in the latest update except for gilbert and i kissed yesterday. That's something I forgot to mention. It was very pleasant. Just a peck on the lips pretty much though. God he makes me so nervous and I just don't know why. :(  I hate being nervous around people and I hate that people can make me nervous.

Well that is all....i'm pretty sure. but if it's not i'm ending this here anyways. It was nice talking to you :p

So i went to a halloween party last night. I didn't really plan on it but it was something fun to do.  I actually drank and didn't feel like vomiting. But i did get drunk. It's the first time i've been drunk in like a year or so.  It was nice to just feel happy like that. I was just happy and relaxed and talking to everybody. I'm usually so introverted at parties. It was fun. Then i decided to go to someone else's house and pretty much got stuck there because everybody else wanted to get drunk and I was getting sober. I hate getting myself into situations like that. I had to call my friend paul and get him to pick me up. Thank god he was awake. I don't know what I would have done. I am just so uncomfortable spending the night at someone else's house. I just can't do it. Then i had to go to a meeting at blockbuster at 9 am this morning. Thank god i have the night off though. I was supposed to work but then my manager called and said he'd take my shift because we were over in hours. Thank god. I would have had to work with chad and that is never fun.  I cannot believe someone who is that stupid is even still alive.

I get into such good conversations when I'm drunk. I'd say it was a good experience though. I tried to be as safe as possible. I just feel so helpless when i'm drunk. I just pretty much go with the flow and do what everyone else is doing. I always like to have at least one person with me who i trust wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

I got to hang out with Alana a little. I think that was the most we've ever talked. She's a pretty cool girl. :)

I wish i could make a decision and stick with that decision for any extended period of time.

I wish i didn't have to work tomorrow, I just want to sit at home and mope and be sick and watch movies.

My tear ducts have gotten quite a workout lately.

I'm sick of always feeling guilty for wanting to hang out with my friends.

Everytime i do i just feel like shit the entire time because i know we're going to fight afterwards.

I can't forget things sometimes.

I'm always the bad guy.  I'm always feeling bad for something.  I told myself I wasn't going to do it anymore but i still can't help but feel bad when i make someone else feel bad.

so this week has been just long....very very long.

I got Arkham Asylum...awesome game, btw. I love it. :)

I got pulled over because my dad's truck didn't have a light on the tag...gay.

I've still yet to hear back about my backpay or anything on that subject at all....getting kinda antsy about it.

Sigh......

So the DM and our new store manager came in today to check everything out. And lucky  me I was working by myself today. The new store manager seems pretty cool. I told them i'd stay next week....i'm not sure how far past that i'll stay. Depending on how things go this week, aka whether they get me my retropay.  :(  I'm sick of this bullshit. And he says before i'm asm again he's going to have to interview me. So i don't know what the fuck to do. :(  And he said he has to go "investigate" what i'm saying about how much they owe me. Because he says that if michelle never put it in the system then they have no proof of anything so i probably won't get it...yay so i'll get to pay the price for michelle's mistakes. I love having to deal with things that someone else has done.....   Hopefully she did her job and put everything in the system. I'm going to be pissed if she didn't.  Then i'll lose all sympathy for her getting fired. I'm sick of being held responsible for something that isn't my fault. If i knew this shit was going to happy I never would've said i'd be asm.  And it just keeps coming back and biting me in the ass.

But whatever....


Rachel and I went to the mall too...again.  Twice in the past two days....we're fucking dorks.

And borderline personality disorder.....go look it up and tell me if i have it.

I am going to explode

So yesterday was the first day I really hung out with Gerald since the whole thing happened. It wasn't bad.  It wasn't too awkward.  I'm just so used to acting differently around him. It was cool getting out and hanging out with people though. There's so much less drama with guys.  Except for that whole episode with Chris.  He at one point said he hated me so I asked him about it to see if he'd tell me why.  Then he said that he never said he hated me and that lillian was the one who didn't like me.  God everybody hates me.  But I'm pretty sure he's full of shit. I'm probably going to message her after this and ask her. I mean....if he doesn't like me I don't really care I just wanted to know why. He's an odd kid though.  
But the movie was pretty good.  It was kinda short but it felt like it was such a long movie.  IT was free though so that's always good. :)  I like free stuff.  Then Gerald and I had one of our usual parking lot talks.  So yesterday was full of free entertainment and Stupid ass work.
I made an appointment for the doctor next week....finally.  And i got paid today. Thank god. I have so many bills now. I have to pay my phone bill and i'm not sure if i'll have to pay any of my doctor bills.  God...I now hate bills. And I need to refill my medicine but I don't feel like it right now because I just had to go get blood taken.  I hate getting blood taken.  And now i feel like shit and there is no one to take my shift for me. I'm off tomorrow at least. I just want to quit. I'm so over that job.  i'm at the point where I don't give a shit if I give them a two weeks notice anymore. That place just fucks me over all the time and I'm sick of it....

FUCK!

Tonight I will rent a lot of movies so I can have things to do. I'm sick of being stuck in my head. I just got in a fucking circle of the same thoughts over and over and over again. I wish I could shut my brain off.

I wish I didn't feel like such a shitty person all the time.
It's not your fault, I promise.

I often feel like there is something wrong with my brain or something.  But i suppose everyone feels like that.

I'm off tomorrow, hooray.  I need to get out of the house.

This is what I needed.
i keep telling myself that.

I'm coming to terms with it.
You made it so much easier.

i;m 20.  And my birthday started off very good because I was at a show at the Music Box with Gerald.  It was a pretty good show even though the bands didn't start playing until like 3 hours after we got there.  But i got to meet Susan for the first time.  I still think she's hot. And i got to meet some of Gerald's other friends.

 So after he dropped me off I went home and when I woke up this morning my mom gave me presents. She got me a lot of clothes and my dad gave me money.  Not too bad.  But when we were going to Walmart to get supplies for the trip to the beach steven sent me a text saying "happy birthday" and I just flipped out.  I don't really know why I did.  I just felt like it was a slap in the face that he'd kinda give me hopes that maybe we could be friends and then crush them again because he still "has no desire to talk to me". so i ended up telling him to go to hell.  And now his parents are all mad at me and stuff but it's not like it's going to change anything, he's still going to not talk to me so whatever, i couldn't have done that much damage.  Sigh.  I just feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. All i can get from this situation is "he doesn't care about you and the two years you just spent on that relationship meant nothing" i'm just so confused about the situation.  Yeah you're probably going to think I'm a bitch but I apologized to him or at least tried.  Of course i didn't expect a reply, I stopped expecting any effort in return a long long time ago.

Bethany told me it's still too soon to even expect to be friends but I'm not used to this.  When i dated adam and he left me, i still didn't want to lose him as a friend.  I just don't understand that concept.  I don't understand how you could love someone and never speak to them again. 

But anyways, my mom and i went to the beach and had a pretty good time. It was too hot on the beach to really do anything and there were so many people I didn't want to get into the water.  But after that we just roamed around the Tanger Outlets and just looked at everything.  Her friend ended up not coming because we couldn't get in touch with her, that's such a surprise.  The entire day i just felt like shit because of the steven thing.  Yeah, it was nice to get to hang out with my mom but I was still upset.  

When i got home, Nathan came and picked me up and we had tacos and went to his house and watched Coraline.  It was a pretty awesome movie and tacos are always awesome. It was good to hang out with a friend and just chatter about random stuff. It made me feel better. Meh, i vented to him about the situation, he says steven is confusing.  

And now my birthday is almost over.  I'd say it was good. Other than that one day altering text message. 

Yesterday was awesome. It was mine and Gerald's birthday day.  We just watched movies and had lunch in downtown fairhope.  I don't know what could've made it better.  :)   We watched Bruno and it was awesome but only if you aren't easily offended. I'm looking forward to the beach tomorrow with my mom.  Her friend Becky might go with us too.  She's pretty nice, we haven't seen her in a long time.  So i guess it'll be a good thing.  I wish i was off today so we could go somewhere else like atlanta or something but oh well, blockbuster sucks as usual. 

And my raise hasn't gone through, fucking bastards. 

I'm happy. 

I wish i could make everything perfect.  I wish i could move out on my own and be able to actually afford it and be happy.  Ugh i feel like i've accomplished nothing in the past two years. Went to college and fucking dropped out.  I feel like i fail at life. And here we are, i'm about to turn 20 and i'm doing nothing. I guess that's not so bad but I want to actually be doing something but now i'm so undecided, if i went back to school and was able to choose whatever i wanted....i have no idea what i'd choose. I have no idea what i want to do with my life.  I have no idea what I want to be. And that kinda scares me because I had plans and yeah sure they'd change but at least i had plans.  I have nothing now...  I should be happy though right? I have someone who i love who loves me. It makes me happy but I'm sick of depending on someone else for my happiness. I don't want the relationship i'm in to be the thing that defines my life atm.  I want to be able to be happy by myself.  And i know i wouldn't be because i never am.


Ugh. I wish i could just forget the past two years ever happened sometimes.  I still hate losing people.  Especially ones i considered good friends. And steven and I are nothing now. And it still hurts. And i can't help that.  But i want him to be happy and if that means no more friends with steven then so be it I guess.

Turning over a new leaf for my 20th birthday?  no looking back?  Is that a good plan? I could never do it anyways so it doesn't matter.

Harry potter was pretty good other than a few things they left out or changed.  I miss harry potter. I miss when i'd get lost in those books and not want to stop reading until i was done.  Sigh.  Things were so much easier when the key to happiness was making a tent in my living room and reading harry potter until the sun came up.  That  makes me a fag.

Tonight better be good.  It will be good! I've got a new dress and I did my hair and things are going to go smoothly. :)

And Thursday will be just as good if not better.

And Friday will be interrupted with work.

And Saturday and Sunday will be spent at the beach with my mom in a co-birthday beach bonanza. 

So i need to quit being mopey because i'm turning 20 and I already feel old....Is that normal?




Birthday dress:


 

Yay

So i'm finally off work.  Today was full of suck. I'm so exhausted and my back hurts so bad. And i have to get up and do it again tomorrow.  not to mention the fact that my mom woke me up at 8 am and i only got about 4 hours of sleep.  But i did get to see my sister today.  I haven't seen her in years. She lives in michigan.  She was telling me about life and how i should keep my legs closed because babies ruin everything apparently.  I like her.  She's probably my favorite sibling.   Mary (her name) and i are a lot alike.  :)  Yay. it's nice having family i like.  

I'm so excited about this week because of my numerous off days.  Except for friday, because i'm not special enough to have that off.  It's the one suck part of my week after tuesday.  I really wish i could have it off but i guess I've gotta work even though other people don't.  It sucks when there are double standards.

So Gerald and I have been having pretty great nights lately.  We hung out a lot on saturday.  :) I visited him after/during work.  And we sat in parking lots and talked and listened to kittens probably get murdered by the chinese place next to guitar center.  Good times.....good times.  And i'm totally the best girlfriend ever because i bought him video games. :D


I'm going to go watch haunting in connecticut.  I hope it's good.....

lol things are good.
They keep getting better. I've noticed I've been taking some things for granted lately though. I've forgotten what it's like to be with someone who i had to sit around and wait on.  And this is good, right?  Sometimes i just sit down and think, wow, this is how things are supposed to be.  I'm not supposed to always wonder how my significant other feels about me.  I'm not supposed to sit and home and wonder what they're doing and wait on them to respond to the text i sent two hours before.
I can get used to this.



He who must not be named still has my breaking dawn book.  And he has my penguin blanket. And my vest. And probably some other stuff.

And i still have some of his stuff, so i guess i'm going to drop his shit off at his mom's house on one of these D&D occasions, you know, since i'm never going to see him again.

YAY! my birthday is next week It's going to be the best birthday ever. I've already decided that.  :) Harry potter FTW!!!!!!  

I must get a new phone...........must must must must must must!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I fucking hate my phone. All it does is piss me off all the fucking time.  That's all it's good for, pissing me off and half-ass texting. I advise anyone thinking about getting a blackberry to pass on that. they are bullshit.